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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22883248">Being a Pankratz Boy</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/merthurlocked/pseuds/merthurlocked'>merthurlocked</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>The Pankratz Boy [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Witcher (TV), Wiedźmin | The Witcher - All Media Types</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Love, Sibling Bonding, Sibling Love, no existent love from parents</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-02-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-02-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 10:14:21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,883</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/22883248</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/merthurlocked/pseuds/merthurlocked</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Jaskier grew up in a big family.</p><p>He grew up with love and knowing what love was but because his family was so big, because he was the youngest he had to learn to fight more for the attention, he had to learn to hold and latch onto the attention when he got it.</p><p>Because of this Julian is different, he chooses to love and in doing so, has a higher capacity to love than most people.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>The Pankratz Boy [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1644877</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>109</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Being a Pankratz Boy</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>So this started out as a headcannon on my tumblr (merthurlocked) and expanded into something I think I'd like to write more on and write in perhaps more of a story style than what this currently is.</p><p>I think I'd also like to develop more dialogue between him and his sister and show more of that relationship. So perhaps I shall do that when I get inspired again.</p><p>Anyway this is just a little fun, and ain't factual, we know nothing of Jaskier's family, only that he has a cousin. I want to make a family for him but the family turned out to not be very nice, other than his sister, she isn't too bad. We all know we prefer his Found Family (a.k.a. Geralt, Yen, Ciri and Roach).</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Jaskier grew up in a big family.</p><p>He grew up <em>with love</em> and <em>knowing</em> what love was but because his family was so big, because he was the youngest he had to <em>learn</em> to fight more for the attention, he had to learn to hold and latch onto the attention when he got it.</p><p>He took up space and <strong>demanded</strong> to be seen, even when his family told him to <em>move, to get out the way, </em></p><p>He learned to deal with constantly being called <strong><em>annoying</em></strong> and constantly told to just <em>“piss off Julian”</em> and <em>“Get lost Julian”.</em></p><p>He was born Julian Alfred Pankratz, the fourth and youngest child, he was born into minor nobility and because of this there were <em><strong>expectations</strong></em> from the very beginning of <em>who</em> he was supposed to be, <em>how</em> he was supposed to act and <em>what</em> he was meant to accomplish.</p><p>By the time his parents have him, they’re older, much older and less impressed with how a baby develops, less enthused to watch Julian learn to crawl, to stumble on two feet, to babble out nonsense. They are <em>noble</em> and have better things to do than to constantly watch out for this child, so they pass more of the responsibility of raising a child onto nannies and watchers and instead focus on their jobs and the accomplishments being achieved by their eldest.</p><p>
  <em>When Julian is a bit older he learns the pain of being ignored. He learns the pain of not being good enough. He learns to recognise that he will perhaps never be enough. He learns that that is okay. He learns that he will be okay.</em>
</p><p>But first comes the admiration. The admiration he feels for his siblings, specifically his eldest brother. He watches the praise rain down on the eldest son, the one following in his fathers footsteps, sees his brother and his cousin Ferrent gain popularity amongst the adults. Sees how the adults laugh at what the <strike>boys</strike> men say and feels the love being emitted from his father and mother, and aunts and uncles upon them. He sees it and he <strong>wants</strong> it.</p><p>And here’s the problem with younger siblings and older siblings, younger ones latch on to the older one, they admire ardently and <strong>not</strong> from afar, they follow them around and they copy and they try to impress. They trail behind and observe and they obey with whatever ridiculous thing the older sibling asks them to do.</p><p>Why? Because <em>they love them</em>, and they think that one day they will be <em>just like them,</em> big and brave and <em>loved</em>. Loved the most by their parents.</p><p>And Julian?</p><p>He sees the love his parents have for the first born and the second son, (they were born close together in years, just one year apart), they’ve already witnessed the second eldest follow in the same footsteps as the first, and are quite impressed with how quickly the second eldest learned to follow so swiftly.</p><p>And his sister? She’s the only girl, and they wanted a girl, especially <em>his mother,</em> because she wanted to be able to share her secrets with another, she wanted a female in the family. Another girl to help against the strong male mindedness in her home.</p><p>The Pankratz have expectations and they drill these into their offspring from the get go: a male will learn about the world, will learn about the politics and the rich shared history of men, and they will learn how to take on the title of Viscount, and the females? They will learn how to make themselves appear pretty, how to make themselves appear more attractive to men, they will learn to hold their tongue and let the men guide their world. <strike>(they will also learn that they truly run a family, they are the heart and the brain and they are not to be trifled with!)</strike> The Pankratz don’t have time for silly professions, silly childish ideals, <strong>no children of their’s will embarrass them.</strong></p><p>Then Julian happened.</p><p>Julian Alfred Pankratz was not an accident but he was also not really planned for, there are 6 years between him and the third Pankratz child, and 10 between him and the eldest child. He was not really needed or wanted but the only daughter of the Pankratz wanted a sister, wanted a younger little girl that she could play dress up with, that she could cart around on her back and show off her skills at being a most helpful young lady. <em>“See momma, I’m jus like you!”</em> and who were they to deny what their little princess wanted?</p><p>So when Julian was born, <em>a boy no less,</em> she was <strong>disappointed.</strong> She disliked him for the first few years of his life, but that didn’t stop her from dressing him up in girl clothes, watching him toddling around on mini heels and red toned make-up stained into his cheeks <strike>(she can still hear her fathers screams at her for that one),</strike></p><p><em>but</em> she especially disliked him when she sees him running around after her big brothers, trying to copy <em>their every move.</em></p><p>And she just doesn’t understand <em>why?</em></p><p>She is 12 and she is a respectable young lady and she really doesn’t understand why anyone would want to be like her big brothers, they are <em>idiots</em>, and they <em>smell</em>, and they are constantly finding gross things in the lake to throw at her when all she wants to do is curl up under the big oak tree and soak up the romantic poetry that her aunt lent her.</p><p>She see’s Julian following the boys into the lake, sees them daring him to come further into the darker depths of the water, and <em>she knows</em> he cannot swim, he can paddle but he is <em>a baby</em>, he is <strong>six!</strong></p><p>And those stupid idiot boys who like to pretend they are men, because father lets them drink that gross pale-brown, piss smelling drink, <em>are daring</em> Julian further into the water, laughing at his struggles. So she is sensible, she pulls up her skirts, kicks off her boots and goes in after him, she drags Julian back, kicking and screaming at her,</p><p><em> “hey no, please, i can do it, I can swim to em! Jus let me go”</em> and she drags him up the embankment even after he bites down on her arm and she lets out a grunt of pain and pushes him back.</p><p><em>“idiot little bird, you cannot swim, you are too small and they are too big”</em> and she raises her voice to the boys laughing and gasping for breath on the other side of the embankment <em>“And they should know better!” </em>but they just laugh more and breathe out,</p><p><em> “come on sis, we’re just having a little fun, Julian here wants to be like us, so he’s got to swim like us”</em> and her other brother joins in <em>“yeah- he wanted an adventure, we gave him one”.</em></p><p>She sighs and turns around and see’s her baby brother trembling with exertion on the bank and she rolls her eyes,</p><p>
  <em>because really? Boys? This is what they do? </em>
</p><p>And she tugs at his arm and tells him to sit in the sun with her and that if he is good she will read out loud from her book of poetry and Julian will look up at her, cornflower blue eyes glistening with unshed tears, his bottom lip will tremble and he will look up at her and ask her to read to him the one about the dragon and the prince,</p><p><em>“the one where the big bad dragon saves the prince please”</em> and she will sigh again because <em>“don’t you know silly, the prince is the one who saves the dragon in the end, he teaches the dragon how to love and be loved”.</em></p><p>But Julian looks confused and she will roll her eyes because maybe it’s too late and her older brothers have already swamped this boys mind with silly ideas about being brave and stupid and adventuring to kill beasts and monsters. She sighs again, but she opens the book and she lets the words tumble from her lips and <em>her little</em> baby bird brother will latch onto her every word and be enthralled and will listen in smiling at her. The sun shining through his brown auburn curls,</p><p>and okay maybe she doesn’t dislike her brother all that much, <strike>maybe she is just annoyed because he doesn’t follow her around</strike>, but right now, in this very moment he is listening to her, and <em>only her</em>, and okay maybe there is hope for him just yet.</p><p>Maybe Julian will grow up to be a little bird that shines instead of letting the duties and expectations of being a ‘Pankratz Boy’ weigh him down. Maybe he will find his own way, instead of following in the footsteps of their brothers, maybe there is hope for him to be <em>something else</em>, be <em>something better</em>.</p><p>She has seen that he is <em>too soft</em>, that he is <em>too willing and trusting</em>, she has seen him traipse after her father being denied the simple gesture of a hug or a pat on his head, scruffling his hair. She has heard her parents sigh under their breath, heard them talk of sending Julian away to learn more about <strong>their</strong> world and <strong>their</strong> expectations, because right now he is not at the level they wish him to be at, he is becoming a <strong><em>nuisance</em></strong> and he is <strong><em>demanding too much attention</em></strong>, and he is learning the <em><strong>wrong ideals</strong></em>, and honestly? They just don’t have the time for him.</p><p>Julian is too young to understand but <em>he will</em>. One day. He will understand that he was<em> too much</em>. He <em>demanded too much,</em> from people who had already given out their capacity of love, had already used all their love up. And maybe to anyone else,</p><p>this would make a person <strong><em>harder,</em></strong> and <strong><em>colder</em></strong> and <strong><em>selfish </em></strong>and <strong><em>unloving.</em></strong></p><p>But Julian is <em>different, </em></p><p>he wasn’t completely devoid of love, he did see the actions of love being given out, he witnessed his brothers being loved by his parents, he got to see his sister be loved by many adoring boys <strike>(and maybe he kinda disliked that because none of them would ever be good enough for his sister)</strike> he saw love in most forms and the thing about Julian that makes him special?</p><p>Is that,</p><p>
  <em>he loves love.</em>
</p><p>He loves to give out <em><strong>his own</strong></em> love even if he<em><strong> never</strong></em> gets it in return. He knows what its like to be ignored, he knows how to handle the pain of being rejected, and this might stop another from continuing to pour out their love but it doesn’t stop <strong><em>him</em></strong>.</p><p>If there is one thing in his life that Jaskier has learned,</p><p>and yes it is <strong><em>Jaskier</em></strong> now, because this is the name he has given himself, a name that he chose himself, because just like a weed, he will <em>always</em> grow back, no matter how hard someone might trample on him, he will always grow back <em>stronger</em> and <em>brighter</em> than ever,</p><p>he has learned that you <strong>choose</strong> to love and,</p><p>he does this because <strong><em>he can </em></strong>and,</p><p>he will <strong>not</strong> deny the world the simple, beautiful gesture of loving something <em>so wholly and completely.</em></p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thank you in advance for reading,</p><p>Kudos make my me smile and comments will make me weep with joy.</p><p>Love and peace to the witcher fandom, you beautiful beast!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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